Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Learning to Begin Again on a Tuesday

Let's be honest: I am a horrible blogger. Seriously, heinously, offensively bad.

I swear, I've tried. But, I am always failing: failing to find anything good to write about. Failing to see what seems to be seen so easily by any number of the bloggers I follow - the story. Is it that I don't have one? Can I not see the subject matter because my life has none?

Before you think I'm about to take a nose dive onto Michigan Avenue or something, don't worry: I'm only writing that stuff to make a point! I am, in all honesty, troubled by the fact that I can't seem to make the same connection to writing that others do, but I feel primarily concerned about the failure stuff. So I don't have anything interesting to say every day of the week - does that mean that I've failed?

The short answer: No. Absolutely not. That's crazy.

But knowing the truth and embracing the truth are two different things. And the crux of the entire situation rests on the somewhat disturbing fact that these feelings of failure are 100% completely, absolutely, without a doubt self-inflicted.

I'm doing it to myself, yo. And that's why it really hurts. (Somebody cue Thom Yorke!)

So, in the interest of self-improvement and my continuing (albeit somewhat desperate) efforts to write a blog that won't bore people to tears or lie dormant in the wasteland of my creative drought - I decided to start my journey (again) with a solid dose of self-assessment and a challenge:

You see, I've always had this strange tendency to begin any new regiment or project on a Monday. It always seemed logical to my slightly-OCD brain to start a new pattern on the first day of the work week (because I'm a slave to the system like that). And because I just can't seem to derail myself fast enough, I add the extra rule that these new lifestyle choices not only must begin on a Monday, but they also must be executed to perfection - no failing. No setbacks.

Let's not even get into the fact that Monday is not some magical reset button that clears the slate of last week's activities (because that would just be more truth than I can compute at the moment), but it is becoming obvious to me that there are many embedded issues within this one personality tic that are severely damaging to my hopes of becoming this better, faster, model of myself that I frequently daydream myself to be.

Issue #1: No one is perfect.

How can I ever expect myself to live a fulfilled life when I am jinxing myself like crazy right from the get-go? With each new pattern that I put into place come any Monday morning (seriously, any Monday. You pick. I'm always starting something.) I am also instilling an impending sense of doom. For example, let's say I decide to start exercising after work every day. Monday evening I do some crazy workout video (like the evil, evil 30 day shred), and come Tuesday I have sore muscles. Well, I can't work out with super sore muscles, right? I might hurt myself or something (which is probably not 100% true, but I live in a particular slice of reality where facts just bend themselves to my will - it's awesome). So, Tuesday I don't work out and in my book you can suddenly chalk up the entire experiment as a failure. With that one slip-up: FAIL. And then! When I think about the concept of getting back on the horse (BURN, Jillian!) I set my jaw, determine I will be victorious and plan to start on Monday.

Let's summarize this: no one is perfect. Got it. But, I set my goals at perfect and quit when the path deviates even slightly. Two things: 1. See how I'm the one creating all this drama from thin air? 2. See how messed up that is?

I do.

So, from Issue #1 comes Lesson #1: Be more realistic about what you can achieve.

Issue #2: Einstein said it, and you know that guy knew everything!

Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.


Um, that's totally what I've been doing. Over and over and over again. Same thing. Same result. But each and every time I am somehow able to convince myself that it will be different - THIS time will be the winner. Yeah, it's pretty close to crazy - too close, in my humble opinion.

What did we learn from this, kiddies?

Lesson #2: Don't be a bloody lunatic, for crying out loud!

Issue #3: This has got to be bad for business.

There's no way this is not damaging behavior in some way shape or form. I mean, constantly feeling like I've failed? Constantly striving for unattainable goals (i.e. Today I'm going to try to be perfect! FAIL.)? Repeating this same cycle of disappointment in an seemingly endless loop of mind games that creates nothing but problems and negative energy?! I've heard it said a million times, but it is a fact that a large portion of successes can be attributed to a positive outlook. Don't know if you've deduced as much, but the aforementioned feelings of failure and subsequent personal brow-beatings do not, a Pollyanna make.

Lesson #3: Lighten up. You're ripping yourself to shreds over NOTHING.

I think it's safe to say that it's time for someone (points to self) to actually implement the lessons above instead of just nodding politely at them and moving on (which is also how I handle panhandlers, but that's beside the point) - contrary to popular belief, self-analysis (although always a hilariously good time) is only productive when you actually put the lessons you learn to use (this is earth-shattering stuff, kids) - SO!

I'm writing this here as a beginning and as a realistic challenge to myself.

Here's to starting things on Tuesdays....

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Promises and Chiropractic Hijinks!


It's true, I've been gone for a while. And, no. I don't have any really good reasons aside from an overwhelming sense of inadequacy as a writer and a general sense of "meh"ness that settled over me for a couple of months.

I needed some time to think. I needed some time to just be a person and figure out what I want and need. The good news is, I think I'm pretty damn close.

So, on to 2009! The year of purity in all its forms (because I have deemed it so!). I've always had this picture of the life I want to lead someday, a peaceful life, a pure life. And just this year it finally occurred to me: DUH! I could live that life now if I gave two shits about it!

So I am. Done and done.

In other news, I survived the holidays with limited social despair (which inevitably sets in after the umpteenth Christmas get-together), and have resolved to move forward with self-improvement and all the horrifying, awful things that may require me to do.

List of horrifying, awful things I am doing:

1. Working out. Blech. Hate it. BUT! I am starting to get into the whole endorphins thing - I can sense a true addiction forming. Hoo-rah.

2. Eating healthy stuff. BO-RING. BUT! I am also starting to embrace this as a good thing. Healthy food is good... for me. And good. (for me).

3. Going to the Chiropractor. (Cue gut-wrenching screams and that crazy eyed prairie dog).

Ok, so the last one probably doesn't seem that horrible, but trust me. It is. You have never known terror until you've seen my reaction to my sister trying to pop my back, OR WORSE, my toes. I HATE IT. I start laughing uncontrollably - but not it a good way, more in the I'm being forced to do some that I find completely repellent and I have a totally improper reaction that masks my complete and utter revulsion and terror.

Oh yeah, it's that kind of laughter.

But, I went. Because apparently my back is similar to that of a 60+ year old person (sciatica and all) and I'm only 27. In fact, my x-rays show that I have two lovely curves in my spine and a seriously disconcerting neck angle that defies explanation (kind of like that guy who lived with a broken neck for like, 60 years). With all this in mind I said to the Doctor, "OK. Let's go for it. When should I come in for my first adjustment?"

As a side note: When I'm really really scared of something, I need some time to mentally prep for it. That's why I don't mind rollercoasters with long lines... they scare me, I need some time, the lines are perfect.

"Oh, no need for a separate appointment!" He says, "Let's just do it right now."

Like it's nothing! WHAT!?

I will say that I tried to handle it better than I did. I did try not to immediately break into a strange, and probably completely off-putting, display of crazy clown laughter mixed with shaking sobs (plus real tears!), but I kind of failed. A lot.

He was a real professional, though. He talked me through it all, and barely paid attention to the copious under-arm sweating and PSYCHOTIC emotional reaction. I only felt like 99% idiot, which was better than the alternative. He got me into the adjustment positions and worked his spine-cracking magic, and...

I loved it. Seriously, in two minutes my back felt better than it had in ages. The neck cracking part was pretty awful (the SOUND, my GOD, THE SOUND!!!!), but all in all, I'd do it again.

And, I am. Tonight.

2009 is going to be a great year - with more posting, I promise!