Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Fine Art of Looking Like an Ass

Long story short: This woman should be me.

Of, course I would never wear that creepy '50s hair-do, or have such a vacant, zombie-esque stare. I would, however have skin this color (or should I say lack of color) and I should be wearing that neck brace.

That's right, this genius right here has hurt her neck. How did I do it? No clue. Right now, it's looking like I just slept too hard - which I find hilarious, because only an idiot (points to self) could really injure themselves while SLEEPING. I mean, come on! I have to have some sort of cosmic pox on my head to have hurt my neck this bad in my SLEEP. Incredible. I must deserve some kind of award.

Basically, I woke up and I can't move my neck. It hurts even without moving it - which I've never experienced before. I know almost everyone has woken up with a stiff neck before from having your head in a weird position or being a little too kinky in the lovin' department the night before, but this is not like the other times. Hmmm. Methinks I may be falling apart.

Granted, I have had little to no physical exercise in the past couple of weeks, so it's possible that my whole body is slowly deteriorating from lack of use. Probably I'll come home tonight to find a couple of vultures sitting on my doorstep tying bibs around their necks in preparation for the consumption of my rapidly decomposing sack of organs. Whatever. I can still turn my head far enough to find a weapon to fend them off with - I'm not done yet!

But, man this sucks. It sucks pretty hardcore. AND it doesn't help that Husband has taken to calling me "Crippy" or "Crippy McCripperson" today - talk about kicking a gal when she's down... don't worry he'll get his comeupance (yeah, not sure if that's a "dictionary" word or not, but I've heard it said many a time... mostly by my Granny... who has Alzheimers...whatever, it's a word in my book). I can be a scrapper when I need to be. And he has to sleep sometime.... MUAHAHA!

Speaking of being a scrapper, I have developed a HUGE infatuation with a contestant on Survivor: Micronesia over the past 24 hours (I watched pretty much the whole season yesterday while working from home). His name is Ozzy. I and wish I could be just like him (except still be me and a girl and everything).

Yeah, he's my hero. He swims like a fish and he rocks at the game. So, here's to you, Ozzy! WIN WIN WIN. And don't be an idiot. And I think you're cute... That's it. Love, Me

Sorry to all of you who aren't Survivor fans, that was a totally gratuitous shout out and I am thoroughly ashamed for being so TOTALLY into that show that it's deplorable. But, I still love it. You can't stop me.

In other news: I get the day off tomorrow. HOO.RAY. I pleaded with my manager to give me the day off on short notice and she had the goodwill and generosity of spirit to grant my wish (SUCKA!). So, I've got a serious date with a hot shower and a heating pad... hopefully I'll be coming at ya next time from a place where my head turns.